It's been way too long.  When Spaces on MSN closed down I tried to move all my content over here but I know I couldn't get it all.  There are a lot of lost blog posts hanging out there somewhere. 

Eric is still suffering the lingering effects of PTSD and still living with me. He is a lot better than he was in those early days but I have come to realize that the boy I sent to the Marine Corps in 2004 is gone forever.  We all change as we grow older but this is a loss that I will be dealing with till the day I die. I am hopeful that he will be able to live his life normally some day but it may be a long time coming.

He pretty much gave up with the treatment he was receiving at the VA and he is now attending monthly group meetings with others who are suffering from the effects that war has had on them. It actually seems to be helping but days still go by where he is so anxious that he doesn't sleep and he is uncomfortable being around anyone. 

As for me, my days go by full of work, friends, and thoughts that I really need to start writing down again. I still have the desire to actually write, now if I can force myself to take the time to do it. 

I am just so tired. It really sucks getting old!

For those of you wondering about little 'nugget'.  He was a boy and he is 5 years old now.  Even though he still lives far away, I love the little guy with all my heart.  Thank goodness for Skype!

He is definitely a little Eric.  Pics show that!

Do you think that the VA provides services to mothers of the military who develop PTSD from dealing with their child who has PTSD? They need too.

Another wonderful day ahead for which I am grateful. Eric should be going to a group PTSD meeting today but I bet he doesn't go. I told him last night that if he wants to be treated like an adult he needs to start acting like one. At least make an effort to keep his appointments and at the very least ... look for a job. Mama is tired of taking care of you!

My life pretty much revolves around -- well nothing -- at least right now. I guess I could say that it revolves around my job. I think the stress of dealing with a son who is pretty much an alcoholic and doesn't seem to care much about his own life has made me into someone who just goes along day to day without thinking about it. I used to enjoy life, love life and live it to the fullest. Now when I come home from work, I don't do anything. I think I need to take my own advice (let's see ... how many times have I told Eric to do this) and start doing something with my life again. Maybe a dating site?

Till next time ... as my biker friends say ... keep the shiny side up.

So ... still haven't managed to talk to the counselor at the Peru CBOC about Eric but at least he seemed a little better last night. Got home at six and he had actually gotten out and mowed the lawn. Probably because he wanted a couple of dollars to got somewhere but at least he did something productive. Believe me, that does not happen very often.

After Eric left, friends of his showed up (a couple of times). Everyone just opens my door and walks in. Told them all, 'you need to start knocking'. I am not prepared to be parenting these 20-somethings that think that Eric's home is just like their home. They are all in for a rude awakening. I am taking my house and home BACK. Probably going to have to start locking the doors. Everytime someone walks in like that, my little dog, Dora (name courtesy of Landon), darts outside and even though she is only three months old she likes to run. That dog STILL has more right to be in my home than any of those ... adults that still act like kids.

Can you tell that I am just about done with all this?

It may be hard to believe that I have not posted here for so long but it is even harder to believe that life can take such a drastic change for the worse when I read my past posts.

Eric and Patty separated in May due to his behavior. Patty took my beautiful little grandson back to California to be with her family (even though she really didn't want to leave, Eric forced her to) so now my only grandchild is 2500 miles away from me.

Over the remainder of 2010, Eric went deeper and deeper into alcoholism and depression. I knew from his symptoms and behavior that he was suffering from PTSD and urged him continuously to get help at the VA. He refused, saying he didn't like to talk about it and he didn't need help.

Well, here it is over a year later and in June when he finally became so depressed that I was afraid he was suicidal, I managed to convince him to go to the VA. They confirmed what I already knew. He is suffering from severe PTSD and almost unable to function.

Luckily, during this time I managed to graduate with a degree and finally found a great job or we would probably both be homeless. I can't give him money anymore because he drinks it all up but I am still supporting him. Patty and Landon did come and visit us for 2 months this summer and I supported them too while they were here. It seemed like the VA was helping Eric a lot during that time although both he and Patty were doing things that I didn't think was appropriate for the parents of a small child (nightly parties?).

Patty had to leave and go back to California for a while (and Landon too of course) and the weekend after she left, Eric ended up in jail for PI and resisting arrest. Things have went downhill from there.

I am now afraid for his safety and my own. He is abusing alcohol (drunk every day, how does he do this with NO money??), abusing the medications that the VA is giving him to keep him calm and help him sleep, and threatening me when I try to hide his pills when he is drunk so he doesn't overdose.

The friends he does have all have one thing on their minds and that is when is the next party? They were using my house as a party pad (Eric has the whole basement to himself most of the time) and I finally put a stop to that this week. I don't want to drive all his friends away but they apparently are not very good friends since they seem to be the reason that he manages to get alcohol without any money.

The doctors/counselors at the VA helped him file for VA disability in June. Still none of that coming in (may have to get a VA lawyer to expedite this) so I am STILL supporting him. He has had one job at a pizza place that lasted for two weeks then he got fired because he threatened to punch the manager out. This is NOT the good-natured boy that I raised ;(

All-in-all, life for me is a daily bad adventure. I never know what I am going to walk into when I get home from work. Last night, Eric was so drunk he couldn't talk clearly but he kept taking his sleeping pills. I tried to stop him, but like I said before, he threatens me if I hide the pills. I went downstairs this morning to make sure he was still alive before I left for work.

I have the number for his counselor at the CBOC and am going to call her today. Eric told me last night (as much as I could understand of what he said) that he talked to her yesterday about they did talk about him voluntarily entering a in-house program at the VA for PTSD victims that have substance abuse issues. Going to push that or he is going to end up in jail or dead. I love my son, but this person that I see most of the time now is a side of him that frightens me deeply. From the way things stand now, I am going to need to treated for PTSD.

Keep us in your prayers. I will be continuing this blog now, it helps me to write.

Wow ... it is hard to believe that I haven't posted here in so long.

Lots to update on. Eric retired from the USMC in Oct of 2008, a month after their son, Landon, was born - big and healthy. Eric, Patty and Landon all moved back to Indiana after that are are sharing a house with me. I lost my job in Feb 2009 due to economic cut-backs and went to college to get a degree in Computer Information Systems. I will graduate with a dual degree in Database Management and Web Site Design and Management in Dec this year (2010).

Landon is a perfect little copy of his papa. Patty claims that somehow Eric cloned himself LOL. I love getting this chance to spend time with him. Even with the downfalls in the economy - we are all so lucky.

I shall be back with photos!

So much to say and so little time. Isn't that how life goes for most of us?

First of all ... please keep our deployed Marines in your prayers even harder this week as they advance in Afghanistan through Taliban territory. You can read more about that at this link: Marines launch massive assault in Afghanistan

Secondly ... our little 'nugget' is growing fast and reached the halfway point in his preparation for entering the world yesterday. Patty is scheduled to have another ultrasound on May 7th and believe me when I say there will be PICS! Hopefully they will find out the sex (although Eric and I are both convinced nugget is definitely 'Eric Junior' at the rate he is growing) since Patty is on pins and needles waiting to find out so she can buy color appropriate clothing for the little Marine. Now if 'nugget' just cooperates and doesn't hide those body parts during the ultrasound LOL! Here is a pic of Patty during her 18th week. I don't really think 'nugget' is actually just a nugget anymore! But isn't Patty just the beautiful picture of a glowing new mom!

And lastly ... for those of you who are really interested in scientific discoveries as I am and heard about the capture of a 'Colossal Squid' last year ... the New Zealand museum that the large chunk of frozen calamari was donated to is about to unfreeze and examine it before preserving it for posterity and display at their facility. They have LIVE video cams showing it defrosting at the moment but sometime today they are going to unfold it and do the examinations. For those of you not in the know on this amazing discovery - it weighs in at 990 lbs and is the largest and ONLY adult colossal squid to ever be examined although they have had what they believe to be juvenile colossal squids to examine before. There are a lot of great stories about how it was found and stored available at the museum site as well as links to the live webcams. The Discovery Channel is going to be doing a whole show about the entire thing later this year. I am definitely hoping to catch the webcam just as they are unfolding this huge sea creature (it was folded and stuff into a container before being frozen so they could transport it). See the highlighted text below for the museum and cam links:

Museum of New Zealand

Live WebCam Link

Stay tuned for the news of nugget's sex and if Eric and I are right about nugget being a boy! We'll be happy either way but we are betting on boy!

Semper Fi and God bless you all. And keep all our troops in your prayers as I do please.

Okay - normally I would cut and paste my posts here from my Spaces blog but I kind of got out of the habit doing that (much to my chagrin).

Going to try to start doing it again.

A lot has happened in my life since October (my last post here). Eric got back safely from Iraq in November the day before Thanksgiving. So MUCH to be thankful for there. His battalion came back with all the people that went with him thank you God!!!

He and Patty came to visit over the holidays. They were here for Christmas and New Year's - yay! I had moved into my boyfriends house about a month before that thinking he was truly my 'soulmate'. Well - things went okay there till he started trying to control everything I did around the house. And if I didn't do things the way he wanted - well let's just say things got unpleasant.

About this time Eric and Patty told me good news. They are going to make me a grandma! That's my Marine hehe! Patty is happily pregnant and due about the middle of September. 'Nugget' (as we have been calling the baby) is healthy and growing fast too. The 7th of May Patty has another ultrasound and we will hopefully find out Nugget's sex. Eric and I both are betting on boy hehe. Boy or girl though we will be equally happy as long as Nugget is healthy. I think Patty wants a girl first (well Patty LOVES pink) but she is thinking that Eric and I may be right.

I think the fact that Eric is about to become a father for the first made a major difference in his desicion not to re-enlist in the Marine Corps in October 2008. So for now - the plan is that Eric and Patty are coming here to make their home in Oct and staying with me for a few months. I am looking forward to it.

So - I am about to be a grandma - and I now live alone again since the relationship with my EX-boyfriend degenerated rapidly when he realized that he couldn't control me the way he controls his daughters. Now bear in mind that I never did anything actually wrong - just wrong in his eyes. I would get yelled at for really stupid stuff. Like if I wanted to let the dishes soak in the sink for a couple of hours. And he was mean to my dog. I think when I told him I was moving out he was really mad because he decided I loved my dog more than I loved him LOL. By that time - it was probably true!!

In any case I am happily living alone with my dog in a house big enough to let Eric, Patty and Nugget stay with me for the winter at least when they come home this fall.

Thanks about it for me. But I will post my last post on Spaces here and start mirroring what I write there again for my blogger friends. Its a good idea to double up your posts anyway - in a way I don't trust Spaces not to lose everything I write!!!